On Sobriety

A 365 Day Reflection

Today marks 365 days since my last drink. One.damn.year. It blows my mind. I am proud. I am humbled. I am grateful beyond belief. Before I dive in, I’d like to be clear on a few things:

This is not an attempt to convince you to stop drinking.

This is not a way to seek praise for my accomplishment.

What I share with you are actual discoveries. Things I literally put to practice every damn day. This is not just stuff that sounds good to share on social media or on my blog. I wouldn’t waste your time in such a way. Or mine. I can promise you that.

This journey did not start as a challenge. This was not a 30 day detox.

This was a conscious lifestyle choice. This post is simply a reflection of the realizations I made along this journey and words I heard long ago, yet never quite understood. Until now.

I do not blame alcohol. It was not the alcohols fault.

The decision was simple, really. I desperately needed to get my head on straight. No distractions. Some game-time decisions were in my hands. I’m talking marriage-on-the-line, who the hell am I and what do I really want kind of decisions. There was work to do and there was no ignoring what needed to be done. And so it began.

At the time, I was about to fly across the globe on a three week adventure volunteering for Africa Yoga Project. I’ll be honest, I hoped Kenya would have all the answers, and I’ll be damned if I showed up ill-prepared for what would unfold. No pressure, Kenya. In an attempt to spare you all the gory details, here is a quick timeline. Stay with me here. My departure date was March 23rd, 2018. On January 25th I decided my last drink would be on February 11th. My brothers were flying home for Paul Pierce’s retirement game. I sure as hell wasn’t starting prior to that. Let’s just say I went out with a bang. Jack on the rocks.

Fast forward. Here I am, one year later, shocked to even type these words. Over the last 12 months I experienced birthday gatherings, bachelorette parties, weddings, summer nights in Portsmouth, social events, Patriots tailgates, holiday soirees, yanno...life...completely sober. By choice. And the outcome? I got far more than I bargained for.

There is, of course, the obvious stuff…I feel amazing. Waking up with zero post-alcohol effects, whether it be from one glass of wine or those nights I had more Tito’s + sodas than I care to share. No hangover. Nada. And for the most part I’m sleeping like a boss. Can’t beat that. I’ve saved a LOT of money. End of story. Oh, and I willingly, for the probably the first time ever, became the designated driver. Oddly enough, I get a kick out of it, even when I struggle to corral the troops.

Now, for the deeper shit. I’d be lying if I told you it was easy. At first I felt reserved in social scenes. I felt like I lost my spark. Like I suddenly couldn’t dance and my sense of humor disappeared. Like I had to convince people I was still fun. Therein lies lesson number one. I get to decide which version of me shows up. Like I said, it was not the alcohols fault. I began to notice my confidence building at each outing. I barely spoke of my decision unless asked. News flash. No one paid attention to my new non-habit the moment I decided to let go and allow Lindsey to show up.

My life has slowed the heck down.

I am grounded.

I have clarity. Unlike anything I’ve ever known.

I am present. Awake to my own damn life.

I have learned to truly sit with, be with, the icky stuff. For it is when I sit in the stillness, with the discomfort, that my answers come calling. The moments I realize I am acting like a victim, like the whole world is out to get me. The moments I feel lonely. When I fight the urge to fill the void of feeling needed to instead discover what the “need” really is. I have learned to own my shit. That when anger builds + boils, that those feelings belong to me and no one else. I now choose to use those feelings as learning opportunities rather than for blame.

I have my found my people. Those whom I can confide in and trust wholeheartedly. In turn, I have chosen to let go of those who do not serve me and I wish them well. I am willing to see my part in the unraveling of friendship. I acknowledge I made them wrong and I forgive.

I understand what it means to be of service and donate my time each week teaching yoga to those in recovery from substance abuse. They keep me honest. They are my gift.

I have discovered that the path to enlightenment, the path to happy, is not achieved through perfection, but rather to let go. To relinquish control in order to allow the universe to unfold before me as it should.

I am doing things for others that I’ve never done before.

I have taken the necessary steps to create a life that aligns with my mission, my purpose. And since focusing on passion projects my productivity has been off.the.charts.

I have found self-awareness. I have tapped into a sense of patience I never knew I had. Something I longed for. Learning to respond rather than react. Learning to pause. I’m a lot nicer to the people I love dearly.

I am comfortable in my own skin. From the inside out. Each and every layer. I am reminded in the moments I introduce myself to someone new. When they meet the real me. Uncut. Unapologetically, me. They are meeting the woman I am so proud to have become. Take it or leave it.

I found a newfound love for my husband. Not to brag, but our marriage is the shit. Wait, yes. I’m going to brag about it. We’ve earned it. We put in the work, every day.

I figured out how to truly fucking love ME. A couple of months back a friend whom is celebrating 31 years of sobriety shared that you learn who you really are in your first year. You face the truth. You discover whether or not you actually like that person. And you know what? He ain’t lying. I mean, it took some time and let’s be real, I still have my moments of doubt and such. I’m human. But I love me. I love all that I stand for. Flaws and all. That feels damn good to say.

Through this journey I have chosen love. Honesty. Authenticity. Passion. To honor my truth. Through this journey I’ve been able to tap in to all that I am, all that I am meant to be.

The biggest lesson of all? I discovered that while Kenya was magical and forever changed my world, it did not have the answers I was looking for. They’ve lived within me all along. Kenya lit the fire for the cause. For that, I am forever grateful. But I did the work. And I did this for me.

Where do I go from here? People often ask, “will you ever drink again?” I do not have an answer for that. There is no need to make such a concrete decision. For now, I stay the course. This course has brought me to a new level of happy and there’s no way I’m ditching the happy.

Believe me, I am well aware there is still a lot of work ahead of me. Like Brady, I am dropping the mic at the Super Bowl send-off rally because this year of me is worth celebrating. But the work is not done. It is never done. And I am not only talking about sobriety here. Life. Life takes work. Being good. Being happy. It takes work. But this is the work that lights me up. The work that makes me better. So bring it on.