Lovely, how is yours?
I never expected I’d be someone who longed for deep connection. For deep conversation. Remember, I’m a tough guy and tough guys don’t get deep. Wrong. Turns out, I’m a sucker for connection. To hell with small talk, I’m a sucker for deep conversation. For eye contact. To see the real, raw beauty in the humans around me. The more I shed my layers, the more I want to peel back the layers of others to see who it is that lies beneath the surface.
A few years ago I stumbled upon an article titled, The Disease of Being Busy. This piece put into words what I felt, yet never knew how to convey. It shifted my perspective on communication in today’s fast-paced, technology driven world. I highly suggest you read it. It’s not an overly lengthy read, however if you’re anything like me you get easily overwhelmed by an online article of any length, so allow me to summarize it for you using three main points:
In general, as a society, we have created a world in which we overbook our schedules [and if we have a family we’ve most likely overbooked theirs too].
We have lost sight of the fact that we are human beings, not human doings.
And, as a result the most common response to the often asked question, “how are you?” is “I’m so busy.”
Come on, folks. We are better than this. We are more than this.
Upon the first of many reads I thought, “well, shit. guilty.” I shook my head in disarray and from that day forward made a vow to remove ‘busy’ from my response when asked how I am. It took work. A lot of work. Because, I was, after-all, busy. But this article got me thinking outside the box. I began to rephrase the knee-jerk response. Hm, I kind of like this game. If you’re interested enough to ask, I’ll make my reply more interesting. Deal? I basically found other ways to say the-word-that-shall-not-be-named, BUT, this felt less of the same. For it seems pointless to fuss about the “busy” day-to-day that I created for myself? I made my schedule. I was in charge. I did not want my so-called-busyness to run the show, and quite frankly, my so-called-busyness had nothing to do with how.I.am. And wasn’t that the question at hand? The more and more I practiced reframing my vocabulary the more I realized how often these words were spoken. As if the human race is running on autopilot. It’s funny, the more I let go of sharing how busy I was, the more others began to tell me how busy I was. Wait. No. Pardon me? That’s not fair. Don’t put your busy on me. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE I AIN’T BUSY. Well, yes I am. We all are, in a sense. But I don’t need you to tell me so. I am looking to change our conversations here, man. So, I correct those folks, politely, in hopes that seemingly simple shifts in my words, the words I can control, can create even the smallest ripple effect.
The real game changer? This article also mentions that in many Muslim cultures one would ask how one’s heart is rather than the overused question, how are you. Now THAT’S what I’m talkin ‘bout. Simply brilliant, if you ask me. In fact, I took this mindset and ran with it. Join me?
Because, no offense, if I ask you how you are I do not give a damn how busy your schedule is. I am not asking if the kids are sick or have a million things going on; games on the weekends, music lessons, swim, you name it. I am not asking how work is going for your significant other nor how many weddings you are in this upcoming summer. I am asking about you. Let’s go beyond the surface layer shit.
I want to know how your heart is. I want to know what keeps you up at night. What makes you feel alive. I want to know what your heart wants. What your heart longs for. Please do not tell me what you think I want to hear, nor what you think sounds good. I want to know what makes your heart full, overflowing with joy. What parts of you ache from a deep well of sadness. I want to know the inner workings of your soul, not how much shit you have to accomplish today.
I recently visited a local shop in downtown Portsmouth. “How’s your day going?” asked the woman behind the counter, with her head down in whatever it was that she was doing. “Lovely, how is yours?” Her head lifted. She looked at me, surprised. Told me how nice that was to hear. I shrugged it off, smiled and went about my way.
Shortly thereafter I popped by Trader Joe’s for fresh flowers and all the other goodness Trader Joe’s has to offer. The cashier begins scanning my items. “How is your day going?” she wonders. “Lovely, how is yours?” She slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine and smiled, “Wow, I don’t hear that often.” As another employee walked over to the register to assist with bagging I hear, “Hey, this lady is having a lovely day!” The bagger, in surprise, looks me in the eyes and shares, “That’s not a response I hear often. It’s usually ‘good’ and we move on.”
That’s not a response they hear often? Why the heck not? It’s certainly not groundbreaking, yet why is something so straightforward so surprising?
“Lovely, how is yours?” surprised three people. Three. This fires me up. LET’S STOP LIVING ON AUTOPILOT, FOLKS. We are better than good. We are better than busy. We are more than that. Let's be the change. Yes, we all have places to be, things to do. But, what if…what if we pause. Breathe. S l o w d o w n. How IS your day going? You don’t have to spill your guts to every human you come across. I am simply challenging us to create awareness of our words. To create space. To un-busy ourselves, even if only a little. To liven up our language a bit. Make someone smile. Go out on a limb and ask a stranger how their heart is. Surprise yourself. Surprise someone else. Create connection. Call your family. Call your friends. Sit down with your person. Check in on their soul. Create meaningful conversation. Look people in the eyes. See them for all they are, rather than for all they are not. Ask questions. Show you care. Listen. Share. Remind them we are more than good. We are more than busy.
Hey, no hard feelings if you’re too busy to be more than good. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not expect you to buy into all the words that I share, because what fun would it be if we all thought the same way? My hope is that this makes you think a little differently. Because ya never know. If we take time to check in on our hearts and the hearts of others, we may just find ourselves a little less busy. We may just find that we follow whatever it is that our heart truly longs for. Anyway, if your answer is good, if your answer is busy, we can leave it at that. But, if you want to open your heart, I will listen. And if you ask me, be prepared for more than your bargained for. If you don’t actually care, you simply do not have to ask. Get off autopilot and find something else to say. Imagine that.
“It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.” W.B. Yeates.
The shift is happening, folks. I’m sure you feel it too. Or perhaps it’s whom I surround myself. Who knows. Either way, let’s keep remembering to turnoff the autopilot switch. Let’s shake it up. Create mindfulness. Space. Let’s get less busy so we can explore the dark corners of our soul. Of our heart.
For the love of Pete, let’s remember we are human beings, not human doings. It takes work. And let’s hold each other to it. We are so much more than busy and good.
With love, with light,
Linny Ree.