Mother's Day
This is hands down one of my favorite photos of all time. January 2, 2022. Mid-Soul Revival buildout. No heat, no running water. Subfloors. An infant. Ladders. Primer. Paint. My husband. Me. Week after week after week of work with no days off. And of course, a lotta music, a lotta pizza and a whole lotta patience. I was feeding Georgia one afternoon, all of us a little frigid (I mean, I’m using her nursing cover as a blanket for Christ’s sake) asking Devin to take this picture so we could “remember when.” But this moment in time is so much more than a “remember when”...
This photo is a reminder that I almost willingly missed out on the journey of motherhood. You see, I never wanted to be a mom. Here me out. In what I call my “past life” it was HARD NO. I never grew up dreaming of the day I’d be a mom. I never had motherly instincts. I didn’t want to sacrifice my body. I didn’t want to sacrifice ME. I’ll admit it, I was selfish. I imagine a lot of it was fear based, or perhaps I was wasn’t with the person I wanted to do this whole parenting thing with. Maybe both. Regardless of the reasons, I felt that motherhood simply wasn’t for me. And it’s funny (not ha-ha funny, but you know what I mean), my ex always wanted a family and I think he always assumed I’d change my mind…
And I did. On March 30, 2019 when I reconnected with my now-husband, after not seeing each other for 8 years. Catching up as “old friends” over coffee. Or so we thought. It all changed in an instant. And had the circumstances been a little different - I’m talking, if I wasn’t already married kind of different - I’d have locked it down with Devin on the spot and been the mother of his babies right there, right then. It’s wild. If you ask him, he never wanted children either. Yet on that day, after said coffee, while on a stroll at the beach my family spread my father’s remains, he randomly asked, “so, no kids, huh?” As if it were some kind of deal breaker. Hmm, so he feels it too, I thought.
This photo is a reminder of how absolutely blessed we are to have our 11 month little girl, Georgia Rae - named after my late father, George. She’s INCREDIBLE. And sure, turns out my fears were legit. I sacrificed my body to carry this child, to feed this child…but my god what a privilege. An honor, in fact. Years ago I used to fight my body. Now, I love my body. More than I ever have. Sure, I’ve had to sacrifice ME at times, we’ve had to sacrifice US. And US, meaning Devin and me, is my most precious gift, because without us none of this existed. We embarked on this journey committed to ourselves as individuals, to us as a couple and us as a family. Because without all three, we can’t show up to life the way we deserve to. And sure, some days are friggin HARD. The days when Devin and I exchange glances and a heavy sigh, both thinking Sweet Lou will this day ever end? But damn, is she worth it and then some.
This photo is a reminder of everything I’ve done to get right here, right now. How hard I had to fight for this life. To let go of what everyone thought of me to be with the man of my dreams. To be GiGi’s mommy - who decided to show up a year earlier than we planned. To open this business. I fought like hell. Crawling through the trenches kind of hell. I spent years with a broken, shattered heart. Making reckless choices, hurting the people I loved. Seeking outside sources for the answers, for validation. But now? I’m more me than I’ve ever been. The best version of me yet. Because I put in the work, for me. And then, this little family we created, this precious little girl. She’s made me more patient. A little softer. A little more fierce. A little bit more of the woman I was meant to be all along.
This photo is a reminder that I am HAPPY. In every sense of the word.
This photo is a reminder of how fucking proud I am of ME, of US. Knowing our little girl gets to watch her mama follow her dreams, follow her heart, risk it all, to never settle. This photo brings me to tears. I get to rewrite the script. I don’t have to follow any rules. This Mother’s Day, my first Mother’s Day, I acknowledge that the once gaping hole in my heart has been filled with the two loves of my life. And while I still ache from past wounds, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I can’t imagine life without her. Can’t imagine not being Georgia’s mom. Can’t imagine not being Devin’s wife. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and that feels DAMN GOOD. Because for years before these two, I questioned everything, all the time. It was exhausting.
Grateful and blessed for the journey, each and every step of the way.